The Elephant in the Sci-Fi Room

I think it’s time we finally talked about the elephant in the sci-fi room. Nobody wants to speak of it but everyone’s thinkin’ it.

The subject that usually has us moaning in pleasure, licking our lips, and begging on our knees for more, but is sorely lacking in the sci-fi genre.

That’s right: FOOD.

It appears as if the only chow in our future is baby food and alcohol.

The reason I always refuse the time-traveler’s invitation to become an intergalactic space ranger is the disgusting protein slop everyone has to eat. It just ain’t worth it to me—I’d miss eggrolls, doughnuts, Jalapeño Cheetos, and Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups too much.

I find it odd that people terraformed new planets and discovered new galaxies and destroyed old galaxies but still haven’t found a way to make fried chicken in space.

The only exception to this everyone-must-eat-gross-slop-in-sci-fi-rule is Star Trek’s Replicator, but I call that cheating because it’s more like magic than science—like Professor McGonagal’s transfiguration talents in a microwave.

The food in Firefly looked like something a mountain troll burped up. Even the cake Kaylee made for Simon was unappetizing. And what about in Battlestar Galactica? Water, sloppy gruel, water, alcohol, sloppy gruel, water. I’d start clipping my fingernails into the food just for a change in texture.

Let’s not forget what you’d have to eat if you were a Klingon. Raw, wriggling worms with a chaser of warm “young and sweet” bloodwine. *gag* And in the new Star Trek, Scotty complains about, “–living off Starfleet protein nibs in the promise of a good meal!” I don’t know what these Starfleet protein nibs are but they sound like something I’d give to a dog. Besides that, the only other nourishment mentioned is an array of brightly colored alcohol beverages, and “Budweiser classics.” You know the future holds no advancements in food if they’re still serving Bud in the bars.

And Star Wars? Han drinks liquor, Jabba munches on amphibians, and the Ewoks want to eat humans! Clearly these are not options I’d want on a menu—except for the liquor, which I’d drink a lot of if I had to eat a frog. Or a human.

And we can’t forget the most important food scene in any sci-fi movie ever. That’s right. In The Matrix when Cypher is at dinner with Agent Smith and tucks into that gorgeous steak and says, “You know, I know this steak doesn’t exist. I know that when I put it in my mouth, the Matrix is telling my brain that it is juicy and delicious. After nine years, you know what I realize? [Takes a bite of steak] Ignorance is bliss.”

People, do you realize that if Morpheus had fed his crew better Mouse and Tank and the team might not have died?!

So I say no more of this prison gruel. No more grey formless protein splattered on tin plates. I want to see feasts like there are in the fantasy genre, or at least yeasty bread. And then …perhaps then I’ll accept the time traveler’s alluring invitation and become a space ranger… but not a day before.



Ellie Ann is a reformed basketball jock, in training to become a world-renowned geek. Check out her weird blog and say howdy on Twitter.